Posts Tagged ‘family’

Good Decisions

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Today I am thankful to just be where I am. When we decided to open the door to the possibility of moving, and prayed for the “right” outcome, I really didn’t know what that would be. I was having trouble deciding on my own. And now that all is said and done, and I find myself back in Nebraska (which I promised myself would never happen!), I am really at peace and content with the situation.

Sure, it’s difficult on those days that seem to be filled with more screaming than smiles, and I would love to have someone else around to take turns with diaper changes. But I believe where we’re at is best for all of us. Lloyd’s been working long days (as usual), and I am even more convinced now that going to California with him would have resulted in more stress. He wouldn’t be able to focus on his work as well, and I would probably become resentful of his time spent working, rather than spent with us. I think it would have been bad for business and family.

And had I stayed in Texas, I’m sure things would be manageable, but there have been many positives to being in York. I used to dread going to the grocery store just because it was such a big ordeal. I’d figure on at least half an hour just for commute and loading/unloading of the children, and at least an hour for the shopping part. The other night I went shopping here and the total trip time was 45 minutes—not even long enough to make my kids fussy!

Even though it was a bit of an ordeal to move, the change of venue has been good mentally, as well.  Had we stayed in our house (which I do miss, especially after the awesome paint job in Emma’s room), it would seem more empty because we were used to having Lloyd there. Here, everything is new again. There is no feeling of a physical void since Lloyd hasn’t been here. I don’t know if that makes sense, but if you’ve ever been split up from someone, doesn’t it always seem like the one left at home misses the other person more than the one having the “adventure”? This way we’re both having an adventure, and while we miss each other, there’s enough of a distraction in the newness that so far it really hasn’t been too bad.

Of course I miss my friends in Texas, but I’m also enjoying reuniting with friends I left behind. I feel like every negative has been overpowered by a positive, and at the end of the day I’m enjoying life as it is right now. Five years ago I would not have predicted the things that have happened in our lives through now, and so I’m curious and excited to see what another five years will bring. This period of our lives will be like a blip—a good story to tell down the road. So I’m thankful for good decisions, and I hope we will continue to choose wisely.

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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009

The last few weeks have been wrought with indecision and change. To update every time the plan shifted would have meant an endless stream of indefinite finality, making everyone else feel as thrown about as I do. And no one wants that. Some things are now set, though. Lloyd will go to California in January. I will not. I will either remain where I am, or go back to Nebraska. It’s been a lot of tough decision-making, and we don’t make this choice lightly. Friday our ultimate decision will be made known, so I thought before that deadline, I’d take a moment to say all the things I want to say to all the friends from both my homes.

First, it’s been a tough choice for me; the should I stay or should I go dilemma has endlessly perplexed me. I always liked the image of the man in a boat, caught in the middle of a storm, praying for God to save him. There’s an Everybodyduck song that says, “God will save you like He said, but you’ve still got to use your head. If you’ve got time to row to shore, don’t drop the oars.” So I kind of feel like that man in the storm, and rather than just sitting still and crying for help, we’re doing something. Knowing that I cannot move unless someone else takes over our house here in Texas, we put it up for rent, asking enough to cover our costs, plus a little extra in case of an increase in taxes. This is us rowing. Now we’re just waiting to see where God takes us. If by Friday we have someone ready to sign a lease, then I will leave. If no one is interested, then I will stay.

No matter what happens, someone will be unhappy. But I’d like you all to put yourselves in my shoes for just a second, and realize that you being unhappy does not help me at all. Moving to Texas in the first place made a lot of people unhappy, and moving back will make those same people happy. The opposite is true for those in Texas. And there are friends in many locations that have different opinions and different feelings, and I’m just asking all of you to chill.

No matter where I am, I feel guilty for making someone sad. Part of me wants to tell myself to get over it and just live my life, and part of me wants to tell my friends to just get over it. I want to not feel stressed about all the people I’m disappointing. I want to not feel pressured to be somewhere based on my friendship levels. And I don’t know how to tell people this without sounding mean or making them feel guilty. So read on.

All of my friends are important to me, but obviously I can’t live physically near to every one of them (but I’m starting to understand a part of why Heaven is going to be so amazing!). I can’t please all the grandparents and relatives, and trying to is starting to overwhelm me. In the end, I’m back to having to just focus on making choices as a mother–for my family. And that doesn’t mean choosing one set of friends over another; it means choosing an option that is financially sound at this point so that my family can be provided for. I would love to live with any one of you, and financially that is a wonderful option, but another factor to consider is the sanity factor. You may say you’d love to have my kids around, but after a few days, or maybe weeks, you will change your mind. The screaming that comes from my youngest is difficult, and I don’t want to burden anyone with that. On top of that, I’d spend my time feeling guilty at being a mooch, and believing that no matter how much you deny his screaming doesn’t bother you, you must be lying.

I thank you all for making me feel so wanted, but please, make me feel a little less wanted. And when the decision is made, support me, because no matter where I am, I’m going to need friends–in person or on the phone. To you it’s just a matter of where I’m living, but what’s been going through my mind is: Wow. My husband just quit his job to follow his dream out in California. That’s awesome. Except that I’m going to be a single mother. And if this business doesn’t fly, then we’re unemployed. If I stay, we’ve got a big mortgage to cover every month. If I go, then I have 2 weeks to pack up our entire life (again!) and move into a small apartment. And there’s a million other things I’m worried about. Moving is obnoxious and tedious, and I’d really like to just enjoy Christmas with my family and friends, but there’s this cloud of impending doom that keeps trying to creep in.

I am trying to stay positive. This opportunity for Lloyd is amazing. It’s just what he’s always wanted. It is something to rejoice over and be thankful for. And I know that I’m not supposed to be worrying about the little things in life, and that I will be provided for, but some days I’m better at trusting in that than others. This is just a part of our particular family progress, and I’m going to have a whole lot of new progress to get through as I adjust to having a long-distance marriage with two kids. But I know I have wonderful friends to rely on, to advise me, to listen to my insanity, and to spend time with me. And if any of you have a suggestion on how to make everyone happy, then by all means, do share!

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Monopoly

Monday, December 7th, 2009

I have never liked the game of Monopoly, (except maybe when I played it on the Sega—somehow it was cooler with animated dice) but it is one of my husband’s favorite games. And it’s no wonder why. He remembers learning to play it with his dad, who showed him no mercy, and now he shows others no mercy as he wins every time. No joke. Every time.

It’s interesting to look at how we approach the game of Monopoly, and how it directly relates to how we approach our own lives. Lloyd is all about investing, and taking risks, and spending money, and of course, getting lucky. I’m more about taking it slow, and never running out of money, and eventually going bankrupt. Lloyd is ready to start trading properties after the first round, and I have my weird little rules that prohibit me from even entertaining the idea of trading until at least the third round, and preferably after most or all of the properties are owned.

There comes a point in the game where Lloyd acquires at least one monopoly and then he uses all his money and mortgages all his other properties so that he can spend every last cent on investing in hotels for all three properties in one monopoly (sometimes he even does this with Mediterranean and Baltic). I always feel a little smug at this point since he only has 2 or 3 three viable properties and I’ve got a couple monopolies that are free and clear—and very empty of any hotel developments.

A few rounds later and the game is over: Lloyd is sitting on a fat stack of cash and I’m frantically adding up the values of my properties, hoping to scrape together enough to pay him off one more time, even though I know I have no way to earn any money once everything is mortgaged. And I vow to never play Monopoly again.

In the real world, I’m somewhat glad I’ve aligned myself with Lloyd, because at some point he will recoup all his losses and be sitting pretty, but right now we’re at that just-starting-to-mortgage-everything stage. But this time I feel a little like collateral damage, rather than his opponent holding on to a few monopolies myself.

We’re in the process of figuring out how to rearrange and be able to afford a move to California (which is more like Park Place than Baltic Avenue), and while he’s building his hotel out on the west coast, getting to live his dream and work on his budding business, just waiting for the right sucker investor to land on his property, I’m taking care of the mortgaged Saint James Place (or maybe the yet-to-be mortgaged Baltic, which is worth very little). There’s talk of shipping me and the kids back north to the wastelands of Nebraska, where the snow is plentiful and the homes are cheap, and while this option seems less-than-exciting, I am also aware that this is just the part of the game where everyone else is smirking at Lloyd, thinking he’s lost it and he’s going down. But I have a feeling he’ll turn it all around like he always does, and in the end, we’ll be walking down the Boardwalk together.

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Happy Birthday, Zazz!

Thursday, November 12th, 2009

Today my wonderful sister-in-law celebrated the day of her birth, and in honor of that occasion, I am using today to say how thankful I am for her. I really could not have asked for a better sister. Sure, we’ve  had our differences, but I was pregnant and she was really messy, so I think I’m entitled. ;) Really, I’d say because of the whole experience of having her live with us for a year while I was pregnant with Emma probably made us more like real sisters than just the Thanksgiving and Christmas visits. You really can’t reach a deep level of love for someone until you realize how much you can really hate them (okay, hate might be a little strong, but dislike seems a little weak for the antithesis of love, as does annoyance, so I’m sticking with hate). Now I don’t think this necessarily means you have to hate someone to love them more—just be aware that the capacity exists.

I think the whole love/hate level is why the parent/child relationship forms such a strong bond. Parents love their babies more than they’ve ever loved anything before, but after a 3-hour crying spree at 4 in the morning, a parent comes to realize how much anti-love is possible, while at the same time remaining entirely in love with the screaming demon. Trust me on this one. And no matter how much a child claims to hate the parent, there is still a well of love available—that hopefulness that wants to believe that nothing bad can be true of one’s parents. But I diverge.

Jasmine. I am proud to have you as my sister. You’re pretty cool, and now that we’ve both grown up a little more, I respect you. You’re a wonderful auntie to my sweeties, a loving sister to my husband, and a great friend to me (I mean, who else would buy me Guitar Hero?? You rock!). I am thankful that you are in my life, that you are honest with me, and that you’re tactful when telling me what a dork I am. I am not really sorry for scarring you with my childbirths, and I know for the right guy you will be able to overcome the memories.

Hope you had a splendid birthday. Sorry I couldn’t be there to make you a cake. Here’s a picture of one someone else made:

16th Birthday iTouch Cake by April Julian.

Looks pretty sweet, huh? Happy Birthday!

(For those of you unawares of Emma’s speech patterns, the letter J usually ends up coming out as a Z, therefore Jazz=Zazz; it’s not a typo.)

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Life Block

Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

I don’t think I’m having writer’s block; I think I’m having a life block. Right now there is nothing new. I haven’t tried any new recipes, crazy diets, new schedule, new activities—nothing. Right now I’m ok with that, because life is about to reach a whole new level of crazy. So I’m treating today as a simple update for those of you who care about knowing personally about our family. I always said I didn’t want to turn this blog into a “what we’re doing,” and I maintain that (after all, that’s what Facebook’s for, right?). But for today I’m sharing where we’re potentially headed, and how I feel about all of it.

We’re headed down a path of the entrepreneurial-type. For months, Lloyd has been working with his friend on a new project; a project that is intended to one day catapult us into the life of those who can hire a housekeeper. And it’s becoming real now. Last week we learned that they have been invited to an interview for a venture firm that specializes in funding start-ups (particularly web-based ones). Next week is the interview, and I’m pretty confident they’ll be persuasive enough to be accepted, which means a 3-month stint in California.

Now, his partner and wife were already planning to move here for the sake of business paperwork, and because they may only be here for a few weeks before the boys ship out to Cali, they’ll be living with us for a little bit. And then the wives will be together to keep each other company for the three months. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little bit hesitant about the whole ordeal. I think it’s wonderful for the business, and I’m trying to not worry so much about the fact that Lloyd would be quitting his job and if the business doesn’t succeed, neither do we (and really, I am quite confident it will succeed).

But we all know how hard it is to have a roommate. Even the best of friendships can be ruined. Of course, maybe that’s just girls. Or A-type personalities. Or maybe just me. Not that I’ve had a friendship ruined, but maybe a little strained. Especially in small spaces. But the adventurous part of me is up for the challenge. And I’m not the one uprooting my whole life to live in my friend’s house (sounds familiar, though), so I can’t even imagine how they’re feeling about the whole ordeal. And Minnesota to Texas is going to be quite a culture change (just to warn you, J & R—Dan says it feels like another foreign country).

Also, we’ll be adding a dog to the mix, and a bird, and a whole lot of food allergies (I’m eating my marzipan as fast as possible!). Emma freaks out around dogs, so it might be good for her to have to deal with that, and I’m always up for a good food challenge (especially if I’ve got help). And I’m pretty sure we’re going to force them to play nerdy games with us every night, so that’s going to be fun. It will be an interesting living experiment (maybe I should film it and make some lame reality tv show wherein I make lots of money), and I’m sure I’ll have many new things to write about!

So that’s where we’re headed: 4 adults, 2 kids, 1 dog, 1 bird, 1 house, and an overload of computers. It’ll be a Texas-sized adventure that you won’t want to miss! Tune in Wednesday nights this winter.

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