The last few weeks have been wrought with indecision and change. To update every time the plan shifted would have meant an endless stream of indefinite finality, making everyone else feel as thrown about as I do. And no one wants that. Some things are now set, though. Lloyd will go to California in January. I will not. I will either remain where I am, or go back to Nebraska. It’s been a lot of tough decision-making, and we don’t make this choice lightly. Friday our ultimate decision will be made known, so I thought before that deadline, I’d take a moment to say all the things I want to say to all the friends from both my homes.

First, it’s been a tough choice for me; the should I stay or should I go dilemma has endlessly perplexed me. I always liked the image of the man in a boat, caught in the middle of a storm, praying for God to save him. There’s an Everybodyduck song that says, “God will save you like He said, but you’ve still got to use your head. If you’ve got time to row to shore, don’t drop the oars.” So I kind of feel like that man in the storm, and rather than just sitting still and crying for help, we’re doing something. Knowing that I cannot move unless someone else takes over our house here in Texas, we put it up for rent, asking enough to cover our costs, plus a little extra in case of an increase in taxes. This is us rowing. Now we’re just waiting to see where God takes us. If by Friday we have someone ready to sign a lease, then I will leave. If no one is interested, then I will stay.

No matter what happens, someone will be unhappy. But I’d like you all to put yourselves in my shoes for just a second, and realize that you being unhappy does not help me at all. Moving to Texas in the first place made a lot of people unhappy, and moving back will make those same people happy. The opposite is true for those in Texas. And there are friends in many locations that have different opinions and different feelings, and I’m just asking all of you to chill.

No matter where I am, I feel guilty for making someone sad. Part of me wants to tell myself to get over it and just live my life, and part of me wants to tell my friends to just get over it. I want to not feel stressed about all the people I’m disappointing. I want to not feel pressured to be somewhere based on my friendship levels. And I don’t know how to tell people this without sounding mean or making them feel guilty. So read on.

All of my friends are important to me, but obviously I can’t live physically near to every one of them (but I’m starting to understand a part of why Heaven is going to be so amazing!). I can’t please all the grandparents and relatives, and trying to is starting to overwhelm me. In the end, I’m back to having to just focus on making choices as a mother–for my family. And that doesn’t mean choosing one set of friends over another; it means choosing an option that is financially sound at this point so that my family can be provided for. I would love to live with any one of you, and financially that is a wonderful option, but another factor to consider is the sanity factor. You may say you’d love to have my kids around, but after a few days, or maybe weeks, you will change your mind. The screaming that comes from my youngest is difficult, and I don’t want to burden anyone with that. On top of that, I’d spend my time feeling guilty at being a mooch, and believing that no matter how much you deny his screaming doesn’t bother you, you must be lying.

I thank you all for making me feel so wanted, but please, make me feel a little less wanted. And when the decision is made, support me, because no matter where I am, I’m going to need friends–in person or on the phone. To you it’s just a matter of where I’m living, but what’s been going through my mind is: Wow. My husband just quit his job to follow his dream out in California. That’s awesome. Except that I’m going to be a single mother. And if this business doesn’t fly, then we’re unemployed. If I stay, we’ve got a big mortgage to cover every month. If I go, then I have 2 weeks to pack up our entire life (again!) and move into a small apartment. And there’s a million other things I’m worried about. Moving is obnoxious and tedious, and I’d really like to just enjoy Christmas with my family and friends, but there’s this cloud of impending doom that keeps trying to creep in.

I am trying to stay positive. This opportunity for Lloyd is amazing. It’s just what he’s always wanted. It is something to rejoice over and be thankful for. And I know that I’m not supposed to be worrying about the little things in life, and that I will be provided for, but some days I’m better at trusting in that than others. This is just a part of our particular family progress, and I’m going to have a whole lot of new progress to get through as I adjust to having a long-distance marriage with two kids. But I know I have wonderful friends to rely on, to advise me, to listen to my insanity, and to spend time with me. And if any of you have a suggestion on how to make everyone happy, then by all means, do share!

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